Muslims I'm a homophobe but at the same time gay?

I'm homophobic. I hate being gay and I hate gays and I hate the act. I don't understand how this is happening to me. Its making depressed. And I swear to Allah I am minutes away from killing myself. I hope killing one's self is better than homosexuality. I cannot accept myself being a homo and I never will. And this New York legalizing gay marriage adds more pressure. What can I do? How can I just remove these feelings. I have tried thikr, dua, and praying. How did I choose to become this?